BWE.tv SPORTS: Some Other Country, er..., World, Really Cares About Some "Match" Tonight

Chances are you're spending your Spring keeping it chill, going to the park with some bro's tossin' the fris around...maybe making a playlist of some OAR live shows if you're keeping really chill. But unless you're in the .01% of our population that really cares about all things European more than just H&M and Lily Allen, you are probably not gearing up for that really big football match happening tonight. No, not that kind of football.


The rest of the world is really freaking out right now because the Champions League final tonight between Premier League rivals Chelsea and Manchester United is going to be a proper match up. What? I know, I don't even know what I just wrote. Basically, David Beckham's old team is playing a pretty big game. Which is weird because he doesn't play for them anymore, so you figured they wouldn't be any good now, since he's like the Kobe Jordan of soccer, right?

In the past two days I've had people ask me about the game and who I'm cheering for, and to be honest, I'm really just thinking about that All American Summer on NBC. Nashville Star, Last Comic Standing, American Gladiators, and America's Got Talent? Why would I watch a long, low scoring game, when I can tune into a show hosted by Ozzy's wife and that British dude from the last Apprentice that ended its last season by crowning a ventriloquist that 'got' talent? Really, Europe? Your game is that much better? This dude made puppets talk. To me that screams, "Gooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllll!!!!!!"

Seriously, the game tonight is pretty legendary considering that a Chelsea and Man United matchup would be a huge game any time, save the finals of the Champions League. But really, America, let's be honest. Here's a list of other things we'll be doing otherwise:

1. Watching Dale get angry and act like a chef cum thug on Top Chef while Spike wears some pretty great fedoras.

2. Watching that Dark Knight trailer again and counting the days.

3. Checking in to see if David Archuleta, the male Charlotte Church, wins Idol.

Those don't sound that exciting. But nevertheless, I trust us to do that instead. Don't get me wrong, I like soccer, but I like it the way I like really long books. I like to talk about them, want to get around to them, and ultimately rely on other people's information about them. (Brothers Karamazov? Yeah, I know about it...sorta..it's those brothers, and everyone has weird, changing names...I think.) So tomorrow, tell me about that match, World. Really, just if David Beckham's team won or not. I don't know much about Chelsea.

Sunday Weepies: Depressed Cartoon Characters

As a child I remember spending every Sunday poring over the lively colored newspaper, reading up on my kid comedy that was 'the funny papers'. As an obsessive compulsive lad I forced myself to read all the hilarity laden newsprint, (and still in my childhood mind wondered why I was reading every episode of the Family Circus...possibly the most uneventful comic on the planet). Still those stories stick in my mind today and color the fabric of our society more than we know - how many Dilbert calendars have you seen posted in an office to boost morale? Wow, his life really is like ours. Oh man, how booooring! Water cooler anyone?

But just as we've lauged with these cartoon characters in their lives, so we must cry with the reality that they live in in their little watercolored worlds. (Or waterCOOLERED worlds - Dilbert again anyone?) So we here at BWE.tv present to you our SHORT LIST OF DEPRESSED COMIC CHARACTERS:

5. Andy Capp
Andy Capp is not so much depressed as he is a drunk. That is actually the entire concept of this comic strip. Andy, who is Irish of course, is a lovable old drunk who misses appointments, falls down, steals drinks from friends, and ends up being a loveable screw up. Just like that show Intervention but a little more kid friendly. The only way Andy can possibly keep up this life of drinking, burping, and wandering about with stars circling his head is by the residuals that his Andy Capp's Hot Fries fortune must be generating in snack machines all over 1987.

4. The Lockhorns
Continuing the Sunday laugh ride is colored newsprints' most disfunctional couple. I remember wondering when to laugh as I read through their trainwreck relationship as Leroy would smugly comment on how Loretta "burned the roast again" and then eye a blonde at the bar who had no eyes because her bangs were drawn over them. Comically frumpy Loretta would scour Leroy with burning looks as they openly talked about divorce and how marriage is a better option because it's cheaper. Wow can I go out and play baseball? And never get married when I grow up to avoid this sadness?

3. Ziggy
Ziggy is on the other side of depression and probably on some sort of ant-depressant. He hangs out with a dog and goes from confusion to tame smile. In some comics he was even visited by aliens. Clearly this was all in his lithium soaked mind. Also, he looks like Uncle Fester. Clearly, crazy.



2. Cathy
Poor woman. Cathy is an early 30's single cat-lady, addicted to chocolate, and a knack for screaming her frustrated catchphrase, "Ack!" Probably best portrayed by Tina Fey as Liz Lemon on 30 Rock, Cathy would be seen today sprucing up her Facebook page with self descriptions like "crazy!", and "random", but not "prone to falling asleep face down in a bag of Hershey's Pot o' Gold".



1. John Arbuckle
Maybe the worst of the list, Arbuckle spends most of his time in his home suffering through failed relationships, a dead end job, and moaning to his two closest friends, a dim dog and the world's snarkiest cat, Garfield (Garfield could possibly win his own spot on the list for his massive addiction to comfort food). Arbuckle is the scariest on the list because he represents what lurks in apartments all over America - the young defeated single male. It's like Edward Norton in Fight Club - except instead of talking to and slugging it out with a soap making Brad Pitt, Jon is arguing with and losing to a fat lasagna throwing cat. I'm sorry, Jon. You can see the depths of a crazed and alone Jon Arbuckle at Garfield Minus Garfield - a comic that removes Garfield and leaves Jon on his own to show how crazy he can look. And leave us any other emotionally wrecked comic strip characters in the comments!

Barack O'Bama May Just Be Jack Bauer's President

We can all agree that Barack OBama is a force in America as strong as the sleeping giant that lived beneath the sea in that Cloverfield movie. The tsunami of political excitement behind him could destroy the Brooklyn Bridge the same way the Godzilla-Fish did in C-field, killing off b-story characters in even 10 other movies, and young people all over America would love it because really, there's no way George Bush could ever destroy a bridge like that. I mean, he's destroyed tons of bridges, but none in that way. It was so young, so passionate. (Single tear runs down face, begin mouthing, "Change we call all believe in...")

But Barack OBama has another ace up his sleeve that he's subtley been pulling all along and I believe it's the reason that America is drawn to him the same way American's are drawn to shows about being fat and then getting unfat. He is the real life incarnation of President David Palmer on 24. (Note: If you never watched 24, think Dennis Haysbert, the strongly comforting yet gravely serious man on the Allstate commercials. Can you afford not to be in good hands? NO.)

OBama came out of pretty much nowhere with a commanding presence among voters leading a resounding chorus of Change, and vying to be America's first black president. David Palmer emerged from nowhere to be the first black president in fake America on Fox and take the country by storm. In his time as President on 24 there were attempts on his life, a plot to blow up Los Angeles, and a crazy ex-Lost Boy risking his life and family to protect him no matter what. You never knew what David Palmer stood for, you just knew that he would furrow his brow, sharpen his tone, and take absolutely no crap and you would happily accept that. Sound familiar? I have no clue what OBama stands for. Possibly using stem cells to power hybrid vehicles that give out free health care. All I know is, that man looks wistfully off into the sky, and says things that captivate me and cause me wear pins on my coat. That is power. The kind of power that needs protection by Keifer Sutherland. An older Keifer that is in really good shape for an actor of his age.

For this whole theory to hold true, a few things must happen in the months before November. Michelle OBama must come out as a crazy, power hungry, insane woman (aka, Sherry Palmer, wife of David Palmer on 24, Season 1). Since this role cannot be played by one who's workshopped it, Hillary Clinton (oh snap! Yes I di'id!), Michelle will follow with the trifecta of forming an alliance with her husband's chief of staff, planting a young intern in his hotel room one night, and later seek to deceive Keifer Sutherland. All these things will be thwarted by OBama's character, stern determination, and the kind of powerful command that would land him a leading role on The Unit.

Obama would not be swayed by any terrorists, any plot by kidnappers, and anyone threatening to kill his secret agent friend's beautiful daughter, Elisha Cuthbert. He even seems like the kind of man who would endanger his political success for a friend - a friend that has to get back to CTU because Chloe keeps getting really frustrated at everyone in the office and isn't getting encryption keys out fast enough.

I can only believe that the writers of 24 were watching Obama as they cooked up David Palmer to prepare America for the political tour de infatuation that would be dropped on them years later. And now that he is here, rest easy, for you are in good hands America. But don't be surprised when there's one bananas 24-hour period where Opalmera exchanges a bajillion phone calls with Keifer Sutherland to live through cliffhanger plot changes, merciless torture scenes, and a surprise ending of change we can all believe in...beep, boop, beep, boop, beep, boop.....










"I am your reality, President Palmer."